Sometimes I Want to Give Up

I’ve been thinking lately about my writing dreams, and the steps I’ll have to take to realize them (the steps themselves are dreams). Dreams:  meaning “good luck with that!”  At least that’s the sarcasm I hear in my head.  The obstacles are many. Not the least of which is I’m running out of fucking time. And, I need to get a fucking boundary

Last April I felt really on track. In the zone.  Things seemed possible (though maybe not probable). My trajectory was true. Then I got derailed, for the nth time. You can read about that, and about my throwing my laptop out the window here.

Now I’m feeling hopeful again.  Sort of back on track after grieving losing all the momentum and flow I’d built up.  And I’m trying to find out this:  Am I acting like I’m a victim of interruptions?  Or am I not just not doing my part to keep out the distractions and interruptions.  Are they the same thing? My thought, even though it pains me, is that I want people to like me.  I want to be “nice.”  When really, to get anything done, I truly need to be to militant.

And, shit, I’ve underestimated how big  a part being militant is, and how maybe that’s the bulk of what makes writing real work:  paring down commitments, and availability; junking the junk mail; setting a time limit on how much I read others’ writing (everything is a give and take).  I’ve never so keenly felt,  known, how the decisions I make today decide my tomorrow  (I forget where I read that). And if not now, when? When does it get to be my time?

(I’ve been interrupted half a dozen times since I began this post. Reading it, it feels erratic – I’d planned to write it straight through).

It’s not in my nature, maybe because I’m a woman, to be hard-core-leave-me-the-fuck-alone. And see?  I don’t even know how to say it nicely.  I know two extremes:  Sure, I can do that, and Leave me the fuck alone.  There must be a balance somewhere. But maybe at first I need to shout, the only alternative to being run over, used, my needs ignored.  Maybe later,  I’ll be able to make my way back to the middle.

I don’t love this post.  But I’m going to publish it.  Even though my voice sounds stilted.  But I’m out of time. Today, this is simply what it is.

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Sometimes I Want to Give Up

  1. Hi there Dusty :-)
    First of all, I do love this post. I think it’s great that you’re being honest. I like the use of the word ‘militant’ isn’t that after all what all writers need to be? I struggle with that a lot: the need to be militant and say exactly what you need to sat versus wanting to be liked. It’s hard to ignore those two extremes. It always feels like a choice to be stifled or to be free. In my case, I find it difficult to write exactly what I need to write (on account of the fact that I love love LOVE horror) but I wonder that maybe people won’t relate to it (horror is after all not exactly very popular). I happen to worry a lot about that. So, I guess what I wanted to say is that your post is encouraging, and I hope you find your balance.
    If it helps I found this post by Chuck Wendig (I’ve saved it on my laptop so that I can keep re-reading it, it’s like a daily ritual now) helpful:

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Art. I would LOVE love love to read your horror. And thanks for your response. It reminds me that I’m not alone. :)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow Art – that was great reading. And hysterically funny. And I’m going to keep a copy of it, maybe print it out and put it on my fridge. So wonderful – *thank you*!!!

        Like

  2. Good post- I go back and forth with why write -what are my goals etc..it does seem to help to put the effort into the commitment of trying to write something. Yet I value the days for what they are when I don’t write something . If you have nothing to say don’t say it.. live the moment so you can write about it later if it’s right…( :) ) I think our writing dreams and or aspirations include the times of not-writing…

    Very nice post by the way!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you! Yes. In the end I write because I love to write. It’s the experience of writing that matters. :)

    Like

  4. Your zone will be under constant attack
    It is a predatory world and you are food for others
    Fight
    Learn to compose on your cellphone while you hide in your car at lunchtime
    Something
    Anything
    Guerilla writing
    Your posts may simplify but the truth will shine brighter
    That’s why I like chamber music, quartets, etc as opposed to big orchestras
    You can’t bullshit with simple forms
    Chose
    Decide
    Fight
    Write

    Liked by 1 person

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