But I had to. I needed something that accepts my thoughts as fast as I can think them, and I can’t write that fast. I have a lot to say but I’ve just been spinning in f’ing circles, outside of writing, with peripheral stuff that doesn’t matter. Shit, I should get back to my blog, as least it has spell-check. I swear to god, I could do this all day. Someday, one day I should try that, do that, sit in front of this thing all damn day. It’s just, I feel guilty, like I should be doing something else, be outside, or cleaning, or anything but this but it, this is so fucking god damn much fun. I read the other day that some (well-known) writer used to tie himself to his chair.
Oh Jaysus. I am giggling inside. I have waited so long I feel like a there’s a fucking volcano saying hahahaha inside me. Oh dear lord, please hold my hand, please stand beside me, because I am so afraid.
Okay, well, that’s about all I got for now. Now that I’m past the fear here I am, moved over to my desk, and can’t think of anything else to say. Cheeeerist. I mean, I have suddenly and completely blanked out on why I want to be here and the reason I came. Son of a bitch. Was it something I said? Was it because I didn’t capitalize “lord”, Lord? Oh God. Well. I guess that’s it, then. I’ll just go sit down. But, first I’ll do the exercise from Boot-camp (from Writer’s Digest, online).
Dear writer’s block:
You’re an asshole. I can’t stand you. You are such a dick. You make me want to throw up. You are really mean. I wish you would go to hell and never bother anyone again. You are a phantom so I don’t even know why I am writing this letter. For all the people whom you have ever bothered I want to tell you that you can go suck it. Go suck a big one. I hope you choke on it.
God! Now, look what I did, by coming over to my desk! I made a big ass deal out of it and now I have nothing to say. I don’t get it. I’m not leaving. I can sit in front of this thing all day, I don’t have to be anywhere. I believe in myself. For me, this is the only way out, through. I wish I didn’t believe that but I do.
I remember the time I was watching Oprah when she said to one of her guests, I forget who, Movie star cry, movie star cry, meaning look up when your eyes are filling up with tears, so they don’t run down your face and ruin your makeup. It totally works.
After I get to my desk and get started, I wish I never had to be anywhere. I wish I could just sit here and talk about all the things I want to say, and all the things I wanted to do, and just be my own dumb therapist (look up, look up!)and witness,and have a nice tiny, tidy break-down, then back together again right here. That’s why I like drinking; it’s so convenient. You get to take a vacation without leaving home.
The other day a new psychiatrist asked me about my startle response. I doubled over in my chair, laughing. I told her my response was so high that I’d given my son a high startle response. It wasn’t funny, no. It’s horrific.
I am losing my mind and I don’t have the energy to save myself. I don’t think. Or at least, not the way I’m going.
God, that took a long time, getting back here. I’ve been almost nearly inert. God why does almost every thought I have run and hide when I sit down in front of this fucking thing, at my desk, to write? she wailed. God, she said through gritted teeth. Then she said, Because it’s fun and I make you laugh. And so I said, Wow, you should totally get over yourself. And she said, Don’t worry, I probably will sooner than you think. And that cracked her up and she felt better and wrote it down.
Before I forget, on May 5, Cinco De Mayo I said this really cool thing but forgot to Tweet it. I texted a couple of my friends and said, I love you a million avocados. But don’t steal it. Like, you can’t use it. I’m still using it. You can have it after I use it next year.
(I know this was long; (:?) just toss me when I become annoying.