Dragging my laptop to desk is like walking “the green mile”

Apr.29,15

But I had to. I needed something that accepts my thoughts as fast as I can think them, and I can’t write that fast. I have a lot to say but I’ve just been spinning in f’ing circles, outside of writing, with peripheral stuff that doesn’t matter. Shit, I should get back to my blog, as least it has spell-check. I swear to god, I could do this all day. Someday, one day I should try that, do that, sit in front of this thing all damn day. It’s just, I feel guilty, like I should be doing something else, be outside, or cleaning, or anything but this but it, this is so fucking god damn much fun. I read the other day that some (well-known) writer used to tie himself to his chair.

***********************

Oh Jaysus. I am giggling inside. I have waited so long I feel like a there’s a fucking volcano saying hahahaha inside me.   Oh dear lord, please hold my hand, please stand beside me, because I am so afraid.

Okay, well, that’s about all I got for now. Now that I’m past the fear here I am, moved over to my desk, and can’t think of anything else to say. Cheeeerist. I mean, I have suddenly and completely blanked out on why I want to be here and the reason I came. Son of a bitch. Was it something I said? Was it because I didn’t capitalize “lord”, Lord? Oh God. Well. I guess that’s it, then. I’ll just go sit down. But, first I’ll do the exercise from Boot-camp (from Writer’s Digest, online).

Dear writer’s block:

You’re an asshole. I can’t stand you. You are such a dick. You make me want to throw up. You are really mean. I wish you would go to hell and never bother anyone again. You are a phantom so I don’t even know why I am writing this letter. For all the people whom you have ever bothered I want to tell you that you can go suck it. Go suck a big one. I hope you choke on it.

Yours truly,

– S

*******************

Apr.30,15

God! Now, look what I did, by coming over to my desk! I made a big ass deal out of it and now I have nothing to say. I don’t get it. I’m not leaving. I can sit in front of this thing all day, I don’t have to be anywhere. I believe in myself. For me, this is the only way out, through. I wish I didn’t believe that but I do.

I remember the time I was watching Oprah when she said to one of her guests, I forget who, Movie star cry, movie star cry, meaning look up when your eyes are filling up with tears, so they don’t run down your face and ruin your makeup. It totally works.

After I get to my desk and get started, I wish I never had to be anywhere. I wish I could just sit here and talk about all the things I want to say, and all the things I wanted to do, and just be my own dumb therapist (look up, look up!)and witness,and have a nice tiny, tidy break-down, then back together again right here. That’s why I like drinking; it’s so convenient. You get to take a vacation without leaving home.

*****************

Apr30,15

The other day a new psychiatrist asked me about my startle response. I doubled over in my chair, laughing. I told her my response was so high that I’d given my son a high startle response. It wasn’t funny, no. It’s horrific.

I am losing my mind and I don’t have the energy to save myself. I don’t think. Or at least, not the way I’m going.

****************

May9,15

God, that took a long time, getting back here. I’ve been almost nearly inert. God why does almost every thought I have run and hide when I sit down in front of this fucking thing, at my desk, to write? she wailed. God, she said through gritted teeth. Then she said, Because it’s fun and I make you laugh. And so I said, Wow, you should totally get over yourself. And she said, Don’t worry, I probably will sooner than you think. And that cracked her up and she felt better and wrote it down.

Before I forget, on May 5, Cinco De Mayo I said this really cool thing but forgot to Tweet it. I texted a couple of my friends and said, I love you a million avocados. But don’t steal it. Like, you can’t use it. I’m still using it. You can have it after I use it next year.

(I know this was long; (:?) just toss me when I become annoying.

 

 

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15 thoughts on “Dragging my laptop to desk is like walking “the green mile”

  1. You did a really good job of describing the process of trying to write when the brain wants to do something else. It used to be that way for me, then senility struck. Now, I write a lot of stuff and forget I wrote anything at all, so I write it again. I’ve noticed I misspell the same words in all six versions. :-)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. um…I feel like I’ve been accosted……I extend a tulip to you/ a tranquilizer/ so as not to beat the hell out of yourself and the drinking provides the ‘little devils’ don’t you know , the creative sort,hence, you did bring- me, the reader, into the room with you….. and that’s mighty fine writing indeed!!

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    1. Oh geez, I’m so sorry. I’ll def leave you be. Thanks for the tulip! And re drinking, tho years ago I tried writing and drinking, nothing good ever came of it. And the work I produce, I do so clean and present. I can’t even write while having a few, since I’m not fully present. Take care.

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      1. You misunderstand…..i loved it!!/ my attempt at humor and I felt in the room with you and all your wonderful frustration.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh goodness. My continued misunderstanding of your remarks reminds me of a poem I love though not in the romantic way it’s set. It’s titled “John and Mary.” Have you read it? I’ll try to cut and paste it off the Internet, You’ll like it, I hope. It’s sort of sweet. I’d cite where I found it but it is pretty common knowledge so I wont. Apologies if you’ve already read it. Here is what I cut and pasted:

        All of us who teach have favorite examples of accidental student genius. They are archived and collected (see here ) and treasured, passed around among countless teachers. Some are surely apocryphal. Some are simple malapropisms, others — as in this fine Stephen Dunn offering — are not only unintentionally hysterically funny, but oddly poignant as well. With school underway this week, this is a fine choice for my first Thursday Short Poem since coming off hiatus.

        John & Mary

        “John & Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who also had never met.”
        – from a freshman’s short story.

        They were like gazelles who occupied different
        grassy plains, running in opposite directions
        from different lions. They were like postal clerks
        in different zip codes, with different vacation time,
        their bosses adamant and clock-driven.
        How could they get together?
        They were like two people who couldn’t get together.
        John was a Sufi with a love of the dervish,
        Mary of course a Christian with a curfew.
        They were like two dolphins in the immensity
        of the Atlantic, one playful,
        the other stuck in a tuna net—
        two absolutely different childhoods!
        There was simply no hope for them.
        They would never speak in person.
        When they ran across that windswept field
        toward each other, they were like two freight trains,
        one having left Seattle at 6:36 p.m.
        at an unknown speed, the other delayed
        in Topeka for repairs.
        The math indicated that they’d embrace
        in another world, if at all, like parallel lines.
        Or merely appear kindred and close, like stars.

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  3. You had me at tying myself up to a chair! Maybe said well-known writer is on to something…
    About writing a letter to writer’s block, I tried it once, thought I’m not sure it worked out for me. Writing is work!!!
    Plus, I’m typing this on a chair, maybe now I’ll feel a lot more writerly ;)
    And, this post has definitely inspired me to do a post of my own (later), so can I link back to your post? Pleease??

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Apology accepted??
        This is going to sound stupid, but I’ve sort of lost the thread of this conversation. Sorry.
        But if it’s about being tied up, it’s okay. I’m thinking it’s time for a radical in the way I work anyway…Bring on the straps! ;)

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You have no idea how right on time your comment is for me. I always love hearing your thoughts, thank you. And of course you can!!! Freaking SO much work; (should a colon be here or a dash or a period or a semicolon?) I can’t believe this hasn’t dawned on me until my mid…now. ;)

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